The fat, ugly girl's guide to getting the man of your dreams

Fat? Ugly? Female? Fret not, oh portly and aesthetically-challenged one, hope is not lost. With a little patience and my expert, can't-fail advice, you too can be as big a cocktease and bitch as your prettier and shapelier counterparts (and we know that's really what it's all about; it's not about not being able to find a boyfriend, but being able to reject as many guys as possible in order to stroke your ego and feel superior to other girls who can't).

1.) The Internet is your friend -- embrace it. It gives you opportunities to perform a complete and total mindfuck on your victim that could put the day-to-day lying, cheating and backstabbing of your hotter friends to shame. However, there's a distinct process to this. Read on...

2.) Choose your victim. Watch how he talks in chat rooms and on message boards. Keep your Google window open to look up things he's interested in and that you don't have a clue about.

3.) Distance is good. The method we're talking about here takes time and patience. You don't want to meet the guy too soon -- in fact, I'd recommend waiting a year before even talking about it, and that's a lot easier if the guy lives a long ways away. As much time as you can keep the illusion going (see point 4), the better.

4.) Only post photos of yourself that reflect your younger, hotter days, if you had any. If not, then go to work with the ol' Adobe Photoshop and turn that sow's tail of yours into a silk purse.

5.) Hit him when he's down -- or up. A guy is at his most vulnerable when a.) he's just been dumped by his girlfriend or b.) he's at a stage where he's very optimistic about his life. When someone is that positive, they're more likely to give people the benefit of a doubt and accept faults like an ass that makes you look like you're perpetually wearing clown pants. Either way, these are the times when you want to spring the possibility of a relationship on him.

6.) Finally, after a year of developing a "deep friendship," hit him with pics of what you REALLY look like, but not before he's invested in an expensive plane ticket to come see you. Sure, he'll gag, but remember that you've strategically worn him down over an entire year. He'll kick himself for being so shallow and will come see you anyway because he has such a "deep friendship" with you.

7.) Okay, this is where the real work begins. For however long he's there, do everything you can to take his mind off what an ugly cow you are. To compensate, you will have to put your best face forward (pun intended) and hide your many personality flaws to the best of your ability. Get him in the dark (so he can't see you) and make out lots.

8.) Okay, you've got him! Although there's still the question of distance, you now have him so pussy-whipped that he's ready to leave his family, friends and a job so he can move closer to you.

And this is when you will invariably fuck up.

You see, too many women who are successful with this method start to think that it was THEY who lured their poor sucker in when it was really the PROCESS that did it. You will actually start thinking that men can simply not resist your feminine charms, and you will dump the chump for greener pastures. Not that it matters anyway; by that point your disgusting personality will have become all-too-apparent to the guy. His "love goggles" will come off and he will see you for the hideous monster you are inside and out.

Happy hunting, ladies...