Stupid ex-girlfriend tricks

The vast majority of the relationships I've had with women sucked. Because I can never seem to get the ones I want, I usually find myself stuck with any bone femalekind sees fit to offer me. Which, in reality, is pretty much the plight of all modern males. If a man likes a woman and chooses to show it in any kind of sincere way, it's a surefire turnoff for her and it's the guy's job to suck it up. But if one of them likes you and you don't return the favor -- hoo boy.

Here's an example of a woman who would NOT GIVE UP. Eventually, by sheer force of persistence, she eventually won me over, only to rip my heart out in the most callous of fashions. This e-mail, written to both myself and my friend Sharlene (name changed to protect the innocent) reflects the middle of this sordid story, shortly before Marianne (name changed to protect my own ass) and I met "IRL." I don't even remember what this whole argument between myself, Sharlene and Marianne was all about, but a lot can be told from tne circuituous logic the latter displayed and I, against my better judgment, chose to ignore. More to come...

"Dear Jeff and Sharlene,

It has come to my attention that things have somewhat been miscontrued and misunderstood. Which, considering my own deployment of safety barriers is absolutely understandable. But, because I have always had an intense need to be understood with 100% clarity, I thought I would take the time to (for once) take down my self-preservation barriers and write to both of you and explain what the hell I meant. Hopefully, this will not only make sense, but will help you both come to grips with who I am and where I'm at.

(It didn't help.)

I include Sharlene in this little explanation /clarification because she has spent far too many chats with me where Jeff has been the sole topic of conversation. And, I want Jeff to know that if Sharlene says something about what I may be thinking / feeling / reacting, she's probably right. I've pussyfooted around this issue too much. I shouldn't have. As a result I may have muddied the waters instead of clearing things up. So, here's my last ditch attempt to obtain understanding. After this, unless one or both of you bring it up, I will not revisit this topic again.

(Yeah, right.)

*chuckles* Most likely, once I hit send I'll be back in full battle armor again.

(That might hide your gigantic ass)

I have in the past and continue to call this trip to Canada my trip to crush the crush. Like LDRs, all crushes must come to an end: they must either blossom into something bigger or fade to dust and blow away. For far too long I have had a crush on Jeff; a crush that to my eyes has been completely unrequited.

(What the fuck was this bitch on? We HADN'T EVEN MET at this point...)

If I had been true to my self and true with Jeff this crush would have seen the light of day long ago. Instead, I was unable to get past my own perception of it's complete one-sidedness. I tried dating others, confessing it to my friends, doing all those little tips and tricks that I have used in the past to get over a passing crush.

(Geez -- I think I just may have dated someone who writes those stupid MSN advice stories. Who the fuck else says things like "tips and tricks to get over a passing crush"?)

In the end, I realized that for me, this is not an idle attraction. Somehow, someway my feelings for Jeff breached security and have become firmly rooted in my heart.

(Good God.)

Because I know of Jeff's great reluctance to ever enter into another LDR, I was able to hide behind my own very firm no-LDR rule.

(You should've STAYED there.)

As with every rule, exceptions do exist. And, Jeff is definitely an exception. But, like Jeff, I refuse to enter into anything but friendship until both parties have agreed that they have passed the meet and greet test. (No shit, cluetard.) I can not however, deny the fact that feelings do exist.

Jeff has been an extraordinary friend to me this past year. (My bad.) One who has somewhat unknowingly provided me major insight into my life, my beliefs, and my character. His continued friendship and ulitmate happiness is what I desire most.

(Yeah, and having said that you cheated on me why?)

I refrained from mentioning my attraction to him for so very long because I did not want to lose his friendship. It was only recently that I have come to recognize the error of my ways.

Like every other single person in existence, I am still nursing my own battle wounds. I have my own distinct fears and worries about the future; but I also have an unwavering hope and belief in the goodness of mankind.

(Not to mention your unwavering goal to destroy it.)

Maybe I'm too altruistic;

(No, you're not. You're a self-serving, self-interested yuppie asshole.)

maybe I'm too naive. I have never been able to shut myself down so much that I stopped feeling.

(Ever tried female curcumcision?)

And, it's a lesson in life that I sometimes wish I had learned; but am so grateful I haven't.

For too long in my life I knew only two emotions: happy and angry.

(I count four. Are "horny" and "stupid" emotions?)

About 7 years ago I began to learn that emotions are as varied as the colors of the rainbow; there are different degrees, shades and hues.

(Time to put that percocet away.)

Once I began to identify them I began to come alive; I found myself better able to relate with others. Most of all, I learned how to understand myself.

(I suppose somebody has to.)

Sometimes I feel like I'm the most put together person; othertimes I feel as if I am destined for the funny farm.

(You make this TOO easy.)

I have allowed myself to believe so fully that Jeff was not interested in me that I could never believe for very long that an interest (however small) might exist. Regardless of how Sharlene has tried to convince me to believe otherwise, my own fear of reading too much into the guarded phrases Jeff and I exchange has allowed me to cling to the belief that I stand alone in my attraction.

(And the Academy Award for Overacting in a Real-Life Melodrama No One Else Wanted to be Involved in goes to...)

And so, when I wrote that last long email I ignored what Sharlene had teased me about. I wrote it based on what I had seen from Jeff. And, all this poor delusional brain has seen from Jeff is the extension of the hand of friendship.

("Delusional." "Brain." "Extension." "Hand." Everything here is just too easy.)

What I want most of all from this trip to Canada is to come, meet my friends.

(That little comma after "come" was more than just a Freudian Slip, I think.)

To be able to meet Jeff, to see him in his element, to laugh and jest and tease each other. To be able to be myself; to be able to walk away without any "what-ifs". For all I know Jeff and I could meet and agree that friendship is the extent. But, then again, we could meet and find something much larger than us all.

(Who's this "all"? Two people don't make an "all." Unless one of the parties is less a "one" than a "many" if you catch my shiznut.)

For my feeble mind (If you're gonna be a target for my vicious streak, at least TRY to move), the former is much easier to fathom than the latter -- not because of a lack of desire for more, but because I'd rather not have to deal with a let down of false hopes and wishes.

I know what a truly wonderful man Jeff is.

(Ha-ha -- sucker...)

But, I also don't play games or mess with people's heads.

(No, she poos on them. Y'see, she makes it so easy that any kind of remotely mature reply would never suffice.)

This isn't my latest and greatest attraction; this isn't idle amusement. This is real. And, I know that I am capable of continuing friendships with those who are attracted to me when the attraction is not returned.

(Sucker.)

That was all I was hoping for from Jeff. Then he responded to my last long mingle mail and I gained a sliver of hope that maybe, just maybe more could develop. But, whether or not anything develops during that trip is almost entirely up to Jeff. To quote the country singer Billy Dean (Who?) "when it comes to love you don't count the cost." (Lame) I know the cost I'm willing to pay if a connection IRL is made; but from Jeff's guarded words his cost appears to be set at a much lower threshold.

-- Marianne"